20 reasons why you shouldn’t visit the Kalahari

By Roxanne Reid
The Kgalagadi Transfrontier Park is one of South Africa’s most popular game reserves, especially with more adventurous visitors who don’t mind a bit of rough and tumble, some dust with their morning eggs. Who knows why, when there are at least 20 reasons why you shouldn’t visit the Kalahari.

1. The sunrises and sunsets are unspectacular.

2. The sand dunes are orange-red and everyone knows that’s the wrong colour.

3. ​The wildlife is boring; there are only so many lions, leopards and cheetahs a person can take.

​4. As for the other animals, the gemsbok’s horns are too long, the bat-eared fox’s ears too big.

5. There are too many little creatures like whistling rats, ground squirrels, mongooses and flocks of sociable weavers distracting you left and right.

6. The night sky is boring with hardly any stars worth mentioning.

7. The birding is lousy – nothing but martial, tawny and bateleur eagles, owls, larks, waxbills, whydahs. So boring.

8. Why listen to the call of the Namaqua sandgrouse as they land at a waterhole when you could be back in the Big City listening to the sound of police sirens?

9. The Kgalagadi is all just dull grass and sand with no colour to liven it up. 

10. Kalahari lions and cheetahs don’t even do anything very interesting. 

11. Why pitch a tent under a tree in the Kalahari wilderness when you could sleep at home with a proper roof over your head?

12. Lying in bed listening to the cries of black-backed jackals or the roar of lions isn’t half as much fun as listening to the neighbour’s dog barking.

13. Who wants to sit at a waterhole watching cheetahs drinking, wildebeest clowning or hyenas enjoying a swim when you could be checking out traffic on the city highway?

14. ​Why would you travel miles and miles to watch a meerkat dig up beetles or millipedes for lunch when you can much more easily watch your cat eat Whiskas on the kitchen floor?

​15. The barking geckoes are too noisy. And, anyway, they sound just like the clicky-gadgets you get in Christmas crackers.

16. Why waste time at the hides at Twee Rivieren, Nossob or Mata Mata camps in the hope of seeing wildlife 24 hours a day when you could be at home on the couch watching another reality series on TV?

17. The sky is huge and blue, not an interesting cloud in sight.

18. Why travel all that way to experience a Kalahari storm full of thunder, lightning and rainbows when you could listen to your suburban neighbour’s teenager banging on his drums in the middle of the night?

19. It’s no fun to end the day with a beer in one hand as meat sizzles on the braai.

20. There’s no cell phone reception except at Twee Rivieren so how would your boss be able to get hold of you?

Disclaimer: In case you hadn’t noticed, this post is a big fat joke. I’m fiercely addicted to the Kgalagadi and my only hope is that if you stay at home, there’s more chance of me getting a booking next time I want to visit!

Have I missed anything you’d put in your top 20 reasons to stay away from the Kgalagadi? Add your comments below.

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